The new Priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week, it may help if you put martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly. The next week, the young Priest put the Pastor's suggestion into practice, and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he liked it. The Monsignor replied, "There are a few things you should learn before addressing the congregation again:

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp the martinis.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There are twelve disciples, not ten.
4. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him.
5. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C. and the gang.
6. Next week, there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T".
8. The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
9. Last but not least, it is the Virgin Mary, not the Mary with the Cherry."


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